A therapist’s guide to opening up your relationship

So, you’re thinking about opening up your relationship?

First off, take a deep breath. It’s a big, exciting, and sometimes nerve-wracking journey to go on, but the fact that you’re exploring it together is a testament to the trust you’ve already built.

Opening a relationship isn’t about ‘fixing’ something that’s broken; for most happy couples, it’s about adding enhancing the relationship you have.

I work with the wonderful Niki D’s 7 Stage Model to co-creating an open relationship.

Here’s some advice to help you navigate opening up based on this model.

Start with ‘imagining’

Before downloading any apps, sit down and chat about what sparked this interest.

Assuming opening up is what you both want in principle at least, I always ask couples to have a think about their ‘whys’.

What is your individual ‘why? And your ‘whys’ as a couple?

Are you looking for new sexual adventures? Do you want to explore different parts of your identity? Or do you just have a lot of love to give?

Knowing each other’s ‘why’ will help you approach non-monogamy with understanding and empathy. Be curious.

I work with a great ‘yes, no, maybe’ exercise if folks get stuck on imagining what they want – and don’t.

Don’t rush into opening up your relationship

The most common reason people come to me is that they rushed into opening up their relationship without really taking time to do the ‘ground work’. They go straight from imagining, have one discussion and then start experimenting!

My advice would be that after truly understanding your whys, it’s time to think about ‘how’. The ‘how’ is probably more important than the why.

• What kind of open or polyamorous relationship are you seeking?
• How much time do you have to spare to invest in other connections?
• Do you need to improve how you communicate and deal with conflict, as you will need regular and robust, calm and considerate discussions?
• What are your individual boundaries? Boundaries can and will be adapted over time. Whilst it’s tempting to put in ‘rules’, these are usually more about managing your own fears and confronting feelings than they are about enhancing your relationship.
• Honestly, it really is worth investing time discussing in depth before you dip your toe in the water.

Co-create a relationship agreement

You’ve imagined, shared your ‘why’ and discussed the ‘hows’. Now it’s time to get realistic and unify your desires and expectations, particularly around boundaries, communication and privacy, and put them in writing.

One couple I worked with created their Relationship Manifesto – it was serious, but also creative and fun.

Build on your relational strengths.

Be brave – open up!

I’ve nothing prescriptive to offer here – it depends on the two of you. You might start experimenting by:

• Creating a profile on an app, like Feeld, individually or together and start to see who’s out there.
• Encouraging each to flirt and report back on how it felt.
• Going on a date!
• Checking out swinger or polyamorous events – much easier if you live in or near a town or city, I know.

Whilst experimenting will be fun, it can (will) throw up uncomfortable feelings. Niki D talks about the 3Ds: Discomfort, Disruption and Damage. Rather than reacting and saying, “I can’t do this!’ when you’re emotionally triggered, think and talk about what your feelings are trying to tell you.

Some people experience genuine compersion, that is, feeling joy from a partner experiencing romantic/sexual pleasure with another. Most people don’t. Explore ways of mitigating jealousy, take responsibility for tending to your own emotional well-being, as well as being there for each other.

I can’t leave ‘experimenting’ without talking about ethics. How do we consider others in our experiments, not just each other, especially the often unconscious ‘couple privilege’.

And it surprises me how many times I have to remind people who are opening up their relationship to prioritise existing relationships. It’s so easy to get swept along with New Relationship Energy that it’s easy to neglect current loves.

Check in – often!

When you’re contracting, agree on how and how often you will check in with each other. Schedule devoted time to talk about how non-monogamy is going for you.

There are some great tools to help, like Multiamory’s Relationship RADAR.

Fine-tuning

Nothing is set in stone when it comes to opening up your relationship.

If something feels uncomfortable, talk about it!

You can close the door, open it just a crack, or change the rules as you go. This journey is yours to design, and as long as you’re talking honestly and behaving ethically, you’re doing it right.

Let things settle, and enjoy!

Opening up is a journey of self-discovery that can lead to incredible growth.

Take your time, be curious and compassionate, lean into and learn from discomfort, learn how to repair those inevitable ruptures, prioritise time for each other, and make time to check in regularly.

I love working with people opening up their relationship. It’s a privilege to be with them from the start of their journey and to guide them along the way!

If it’s something you’re thinking about, or you’ve opened up and are finding it challenging, get in touch to see if one of our Relationship Therapists could support you.