Navigating intimacy after birth trauma

Welcoming a new baby is often portrayed on social media as endless moments of joy, love, and perfection. Yet for so many people – me included – the transition into parenthood is overshadowed by the profound impact of birth trauma.

Beyond the physical recovery, the emotional and psychological ripples of a traumatic birth can profoundly influence your intimate and sexual relationship.

Navigating intimacy amidst the aftermath of birth trauma requires a delicate balance of patience and understanding. The emotional wounds left behind often influence your ability to connect, even when the desire for closeness remains. Restoring intimacy involves recognising these invisible scars without judgment, embracing the slow process of healing, and redefining the shared experiences of partnership.

This isn’t merely about physical intimacy; it’s about tending to the emotional landscape that has been reconfigured by the birth trauma.

True connection after such experiences requires creating a safe space where vulnerability is met with empathy, allowing both partners to feel heard and valued.

As we peel back layers of fear or hesitation, it’s vital to approach this journey with curiosity rather than expectation, enabling a path toward genuine reconnection. It offers insights into parts of ourselves that lead toward healing and reconnection within the couple/unit.

Encouraging curiosity and exploration into this delicate subject, and how it affects relationships, I invite you to come with me and look at the impact of birth trauma on intimacy through two lenses:

1. Psychospiritual Psychotherapy
2. Internal Family Systems (IFS)

These may be new to you, so bear with me…

Understanding Birth Trauma’s Echo in Intimacy

Birth trauma can be experienced from a wide range of presentations – from emergency procedures to feelings of powerlessness, and fear of things not going to plan during labour.

Moments like these can lodge themselves within the psyche, manifesting as physical tension, emotional withdrawal, or even aversion to intimacy. Often, we find we cannot process these emotions, as life is full and hungry for our energy.

It’s essential to recognise that these experiences need time and space, and are not mere ‘after-effects’ but protective mechanisms attempting to shield us from reliving experiences.

As a woman, I found it hard to communicate what I was experiencing, as everyone else around me I perceived was or had done it right! My husband found it hard to communicate what he was experiencing, as it might be perceived as selfish or critical! 

Again, the lack of the village! Where were the elders?

In psychosexual and relationship therapy, we can represent some of the elders of the village, sit with you, listen and help the communication and understanding of this next part of your life.

The IFS Lens: Meeting the Parts Within

Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a way of looking one’s mind, thoughts, motivations and emotions as a large ‘family’ of inter-related ‘parts’ or personalities, which represent the many different human experiences that someone learns and adapts from through their life experiences, each with its own feelings, beliefs, and roles. After birth trauma, certain parts may become more prominent:

The Protector: This part may create distance in the relationship, fearing that closeness could trigger painful memories or even the fear that another pregnancy might happen.

The Exiled Part: Holding the raw emotions of fear, sadness, or shame, this part often hides, yet its presence influences our emotional world. We didn’t have the perfect birth, perfect labour, or perfect trimester.

The Manager: Focused on maintaining daily functionality, this part may suppress emotional needs, including desires for intimacy, due to the fear of what it may lead to.

Coming into therapy does not mean you have failed as a couple; it allows curiosity and compassion within the relationship, which allows safe, explorative communication. By gently acknowledging and dialoguing with these parts, individuals and couples can foster a deeper self-understanding, a newness of their next chapter of life, and, gradually, a renewed sense of connection. There were times when we had a village to help us with this integration and passage into parenthood; now, the fastness of life is sometimes only viewed as perfection on social media platforms.

A Psychospiritual Psychosexual Perspective: Honouring the Sacred Journey

From a psychospiritual view, birth and sexuality are sacred portals within our life force. Traumatic events can cloud this experience, replacing awe with anxiety and lack of support with fear of the future. We can explore the pain, so it does not have to hide in the shadows. Communicate with our parts. Healing involves more than addressing symptoms; it’s about reconnecting with the deeper essence of self and partnership.

Seeking help through this process in Psychospiritual Psychosexual and Relationship Therapy can be a great way to remember the importance of each other; here are some of the practices that can support this reconnection:

Remembering mindful touch: rekindling the sensual, non-sexual, nurturing touch can rebuild trust and safety. Rejoicing the body that has changed needs space and honouring.

Sacred Rituals: Creating time-honoured, simple rituals to honour the trauma and the strength it took to survive can be profoundly healing. “The Kija Aboriginal people of Australia have a ritual in which experienced mothers take the new mother to a sacred space to pass on their accumulated wisdom about breastfeeding and childcare. There may be expectations about the father’s role – for example, gathering firewood so the mother can wash in hot water – but they are rarely about him taking direct care of the mother.” (Life with a new baby across the world – La Leche League GB)

Taking time for spiritual reflection: Exploring the meaning of the experience and allowing time to explore how it was for both of you. Looking at the big canvas of life as more colourful, allowing time for this change and two becoming three or more, reconfiguration of yourself as a passage of time.

Stepping into the next part of your life: Healing from birth trauma within the context of a relationship requires patience, communication, and mutual support. It’s not about just getting back into a sexual relationship, but tenderly attending to the wounds experienced by both the birth giver and the partner with understanding and love.

A sense of the ebb and flow of energy and change within the relationship dynamics with a new person with significant needs, enters the picture. We often think of birth trauma as just being the person who gave birth, forgetting the other who watched, supported and witnessed. Coming together on this journey to honour, restore and transform into the next part of the journey is something you can get by coming into therapy.

Stuff you may want to explore

Support: Working with a psychosexual therapist can provide a compassionate space for exploration, allowing the whole picture to be seen with different eyes, experiences and knowledge.

Open Dialogue: Sharing feelings without the pressure to ‘solve’ can validate experiences and deepen the connection. It allows a different way to intimacy that involves this new life that has entered the energy field.

Self-Compassion: Recognising that healing is non-linear and embracing each step with kindness toward oneself and one’s partner. Listening to how it is/was for each other and how to move forward.

In the quiet spaces where vulnerability meets care, intimacy can be restored and transformed—a timeline in your life map that celebrates your resilience, growth, and commitment to your connection as a couple.

If you are affected by birth trauma, The Birth Trauma Association offers support and guidance for parents.

You may also find it helpful to engage the support of a trained professional, like one of our Psychosexual and Relationship Therapists.