Conscious Uncoupling | 5 steps to an intentionally positive separation

In 2014, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin announced their divorce with the statement:

“We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and co-parent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.”

I remember at the time that the phrase “conscious uncoupling” was met with great derision in the media. What did it mean? Was it a fancy celebrity term for breaking up amicably? Why couldn’t they just say that?

More recently, Paltrow has said that even she found the term “a bit full of itself, painfully progressive and hard to swallow” when she first heard it.

The reality is that this unusual turn of phrase was actually referring to a positive alternative to acrimonial separations and divorces.

“Was there a world where we could break up and not lose everything? Could we be a family, even though we were not a couple? We decided to try,” said Paltrow. She and Chris Martin were able to “circumvent” the pain and anger of divorce and focus on their children, Apple and Moses, instead.

So what is Conscious Uncoupling?

Conscious Uncoupling is a five-step process created by Katherine Woodward Thomas in 2009 following her divorce from her husband. They wanted to “navigate divorce in an intentional way with their daughter’s wellbeing as its ‘North Star’”. This shared focus helped them overcome power struggles, and transition into friendly co-parents.

5 steps to ‘Happy Even After’

Conscious Uncoupling is a step-by-step process that guides partners through the pain of a breakup and ensures that they and their loved one come out the other side with “hearts that are healed, happy, healthy and whole”.

It’s not easy. People separating or divorcing go through a grieving process, just as they would if their partner had died. With the same feelings and thoughts: shock, denial, anger, anxiety, depression. That they will never experience love or happiness again.

Here’s a simple overview of the 5 steps to conscious uncoupling, taken from Katherine Woodward Thomas’s book, Conscious Uncoupling: 5 steps To Happy Even After.

Step 1: Find Emotional Freedom

The first step is a meditation practice that will guide in regulating your emotions; emotions that will no doubt be swinging wildly. If you can find a way to calm yourself when you’re feeling overwhelmed, you’re less likely to react from destructive emotions.

• Find stillness within yourself
• Step back from your feelings
• Connect with your centre and remind yourself you’re ok
• Extend love to the part of you that is overwhelmed with painful emotions
• Notice where in your body you’re holding those emotions
• Ask yourself what you’re feeling – with curiosity and compassion
• Breathe out a blessing to yourself and everyone who is suffering
• Ask yourself what you need

Step 2. Reclaim Your Power And Your Life

If you focus solely on how your partner hurt you, you’ll never be open to uncovering all the ways you may have contributed to the end of your relationship. Even if your ex was mostly to blame, it’s important to reflect on the ways you gave your power away, ignored the warning signs and avoided difficult conversations.

• In what ways did I give my power away?
• Did I ignore my intuition, dismiss my feelings, avoid asking questions I didn’t want answers to?
• Was I trying to get them to love, want, or approve of me?
• Was I selfish or unkind?

Step Three: Breaking The Pattern, Healing Your Heart

Now it’s time to uncover your “source fracture story” – the story about love and what’s possible for you from when you were a child. The beliefs you formed about yourself, others and life when it comes to love?

It’s about making conscious the beliefs that have caused you to repeat old patterns in love and relationships. Only then can you start to challenge those beliefs, rewrite the narrative as an adult; an adult who deserves to love and be loved.

In the book, Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Happy Even After, there’s a guided mediation – just like in Step 1 – to help you uncover your beliefs about love and patterns of behaviour in relationships.

Step Four: Becoming A Love Alchemist

In order to move forward, you and your ex need to “clear the air”. But how can you do that without arguing, without needing to be right, without being defensive?

To do this healthily and productively you need to learn to communicate with each other with care and curiosity. To fully listen to the other without interrupting.

You take it in turns to express yourself fully.

• Identify the hurts and disappointments you’re still struggling with
• Be willing to take responsible for the impact of your behaviour on others
• Let your ex know that you can see the impact your behaviour has had on them
• Offer to make amends

Step Five: Creating Your Happy Even After Life

In the last step, you start to consider the healthy and life-affirming choices you can make to rebuild your life. To imagine what’s possible.

You might want to create a ritual to mark the end of your relationship, honouring the lessons you’ve learned and how you have grown from your relationship, including its ending.

It’s not easy

If you’ve read this and thought, “No way”, you’re definitely not alone!

The end of a relationship can feel like the end of the world. Nothing will ever be the same again. You and your ex might be embroiled in bitter recriminations or have your sights set on revenge.

What good would that do in the long-term, for you and your loved ones?

But it’s so difficult to stay calm, move beyond painful feelings and work together to transition from partners to co-parents.

That’s where a process like Conscious Uncoupling can really help. You might need support in moving through the process. As a start, read the book. And if it feels like you and your ex can’t do it on your own, you could work with a Relationship Therapist who would guide and support you through the process of consciously uncoupling.