Rupture and repair | 4 steps to consciously repair after a rupture in your relationship

• How do I know I am ready to move into repair work with my partner after being in disharmony?
  Firstly, locate yourself emotionally when you and your partner/s go into a state of disharmony.
  Do your thoughts spiral into fears the relationship is over?
  Are you in an urgency to fix the situation and get out of conflict?
  Do you want to blame your partner/s or the circumstances for creating a situation where you became ruptured?
  Do you want to vent so that your partner/s knows how angry or hurt you are? It is not bad to be in any of these places; they simply show you that you may need to do something else before moving to repair work with your partner/s. 
• Next check if you are acting from the part of you that is ready to come back into connection.
  It can feel vulnerable to open up to reconnect. Ask yourself: “Am I really ready to speak ‘for’ the feelings I may have, rather than out of them?” The urgency to fix or end a conflict, is not the same as repair. Your need to fix or end a conflict comes from an urge to move away from the discomfort of disharmony rather than genuine repair. 
• Use your words carefully to engage in repair.
  Remember you love this person. The reason you want to do this is because you want to reconnect with them and want to take care of the relational environment you live in.
• Ask them if they’re ready to do a repair process with you.
  If the answer is yes, you might like to use a communication tool, like The Feedback Wheel from Relational Life Therapy to move you from rupture to repair. You may have learnt another process of repair from therapy or a book etc that you feel works for you. 

Feedback Wheel – How to rupture and repair

1. “What I saw or what I heard”
This is objective reality, what cannot be argued with – as if  you had a video camera to record what happened. Keep it short! 

For example: “There was a pair of pants and two socks on the floor of the bathroom when I went in there” 

2.“What I made it about”
This is the story that you told yourself about what it meant that this thing happened. 

For example: When I saw them I made up that you want me to be your housekeeper rather than your partner. 

3. “How I felt about it”
This is where you are stating your emotions. If your first emotion is anger take a look beyond that and try to figure out what is below the anger. A lot of times it can be fear or pain.

For example: I felt hurt and I felt sad.

4. “What I would like”
This is where you let your partner/s know what they can do. If the request is not something they can offer, then negotiate something that works for both of you. 

For example: Can we discuss hiring a cleaner once a week? 

For the listener

The listener is at the customer service window. Their goal is to help the speaker feel better, at the very least by hearing them thoroughly. Keeping yourself contained and not butting in or offering where you have also been hurt. 

1. Listen to understand, not to find what you can disagree with.
2. Reflect back what you’ve heard, make sure you get it right, ask for clarification if needed.
3. Acknowledge everything you can. Show empathy
4. Give as much as you can. Say yes to any parts of the request that you can honestly align
   with. Remember you have a right to say no, or to negotiate a different option.

Remember you love each other and the point of this is to make things better by listening and caring about the other.it