Love the person, hate the addict
Five people I have loved have been addicts.
Their addictions and compulsions were different (alcohol, drugs, gambling, pornography, sex) but in my experience what they were addicted to was irrelevant; an addict’s behaviour seems to be the same regardless. They lied, they deceived, they stole, they were angry and abusive. They ripped my heart out, time and time again. And when they were at their worst they stamped on it for good measure.
I fought hard for them, and against them. I threatened, I begged, I gave countless ultimatums and cried myself to the point of exhaustion more times than I care to remember. I coerced one love into rehab, twice. I read all I could about addiction and went to fellowship support groups to learn from friends and families of other addicts. None of it worked.
All I did was make things worse. What I thought of as being accepting was actually enabling their behaviour. Getting them out of debt (repeatedly), pretending to them and to myself that I could accommodate their addictions, even joining in with their vices – if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.
Two were arrested because their addictions stripped them of any sense of right or wrong. Their addictions took them to depths you imagine only soap characters sink to.
Happily the two who were arrested have recovered. I know I should say ‘are in recovery’ but I would rather be optimistic than anticipating a relapse. I didn’t bring about their recoveries. They did it themselves. But only after they hit rock bottom. I had to stop trying to rescue them. I had to stand back and watch them sink so low they lost almost everything – their dignity, their self-respect, their jobs, their friends, their health. And it hurt like hell.
Of the other three, two I said goodbye to, sadly. They were so deep in denial and the impact of their addictions was more than I could cope with. I clung on for years in the hope that they would want to change. There were glimmers of hope, and they ‘cut down’, but they couldn’t quite commit to getting better. I had to let go of the people I loved and acknowledge the addicts they had become.
The last is someone I can’t let go of. But I have been able to put in boundaries and learnt to walk away when they turn on me. I have enough self-respect to want to protect myself from their venom.
Don’t get me wrong. I never stopped loving the addicts in my life, even though I hated them at times. I came to realise that it’s ok to love the person and hate the addict.
One Response
Hey 🙂 I don’t know if you will even see this, but I figured it would be worth a shot! My sister, and best friend, has been battling an eating disorder (anorexia nervosa) for 5 years now. She has gone to inpatient treatment centers, countless therapies… everything. I truly feel that for the past 5 years, my family and I have been gentle and patient in our standing alongside her. However, this year, things have simply gotten too out of hand. She has turned into the cruelest person. Shaming people for their bodies, telling HIRED tour guides to go away while on vacation (so that she could eat and do what SHE wanted), screams at us – calls us every name in the book: manipulative, liars… groups us into her eating disorder, describing us as sick and “just like her”. She has lost every single friend she has had because she treats people horribly. I love her so much, and she is my favorite person. I have been holding onto hope that loving her looks like being patient and kind… and that no matter how cruel she becomes, there is hope that she will get through this. But this is just her now. I can’t keep making excuses. She treats everyone horribly. She is shallow. She is obsessed with herself. And she will do anything in the world to make sure that she is better than everyone else. How do I love her? What does it look like? How did you know when it was time to stop being soft with your loved ones? Please help.